How to kill a spider with just your eyes

Death-ray vision superpower

Want to know how to have death-ray vision on spiders? No more squishing the spiders with kleenex. Now you can simply eliminate the spider by looking at it. I will tell you how I was able to achieve this feat in 2010.

I’m sitting at my desk in the Tribune Tower being a productive happy employee, when all of the sudden a spider appears on my window sill. It was a decent sized spider and it took me quite by surprise. We always see spiders on the OUTSIDE of our windows. Never on the inside.

I intently stare at the spider wondering what to do. I don’t want to kill it, because that’s mean. I don’t want to really just leave it there, cuz he looked like he could cause some serious damage.

So I stared at it.

Then the spider started to walk around like he was drunk. He was tripping all over his legs. Falling on his back. Getting back up walking a few more steps only to fall on his back again.

I continue staring intently at the spider.

He trips again and this time he doesn’t get back up. Instead he pulls all his legs together towards his body, rolls on his back into a little ball.

I killed the spider by my own eyes! And I didn’t even have to squish it!

Being so excited by this ability, I do what anyone else would do with this newfound superpower, I get up and exclaim to all my workers, “I have the death ray vision! to kill spiders!” Everyone was in shock. People hid behind their desks. Well, not really. But I wasn’t exactly staring at anyone for fear of well… I like my coworkers a lot. I can’t use death-ray vision on them.

I come back to my desk and… and! The spider was gone! What the! Do I have vaporizing power as well?

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14 years ago

Ha! This is by far the best story I ever read on the bus !!!! Spudart VS Spidey !! 🙂

14 years ago

We never ever saw spiders or any insects on the 24th floor of the Oakbrook Terrace Tower (tallest building in Illinois outside of Chicago) in my ten years of working there. I can only wonder what my similar twin powers would have been performed if I ever saw a spider in the OTT. Maybe I my staring powers would have increased their size 100-fold. And then I would have had to call you up and tell you to come over and use your powers to destroy the gigantic spiders.

Tom Saaristo
14 years ago

Wonder Twins UNITE!

Marco Buscaglia
Marco Buscaglia
14 years ago

Is “death-ray vision” your term for “chronic halitosis?”

14 years ago

maybe he was jus’ playin possum till you left and he could make a safe getaway!

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