GAME REPORT: Peter "Punisher" Kreten first official King

It was with much anticipation leading up towards the game's
events for July 21, 2001. However, Erik and Matt arrived tardy as
Matt was creating his new secret weapon, and other distractions
at the Maldre household as well.

They finally arrived at 2:45pm at the Kreten's, but there was a
time constraint in place of 4:00pm to finish the first round of

Erik and Matt Maldre arrived with their secret weapons in arm.
They have created their own monstre mallets! "Oh dear, what
does this hold in store for the competition?" Erik designated
"505 Hammer" to his contraption of a 3 foot screw attached to a
wooden block with a cheese grader of all things attached to the
end! The other face of the 505 hammer also boasted a 45
degree angle to give the ball elevation.

Not to be outdone, The Terminator bragged of a 3' 11" length and
a 12" head. It also vaunted a 37 degree angle, one much
sharper than the 505.

These moderne innovations brought many a chuckle to the
Maldre/Kreten/Dunker clan. But what must be going on in the
minds of their competitors, "oh no, we are truly doomed for sure."

We set out to Beverly Park for the first ever game to be played in
this fine large park. The talk of a regulation-size court was the
much ha-doo for weeks beforehand. "What shall it be like to
compete on a true regulation court?" "Who shall come out on top
with this new format?" These and more were the questions on
everybody's mind.

It was a bit of an uncomfortable day with the temperatures way
beyound the what one would brew their tea at. Even the humidity
was so thick, one could cut it in half with their brazen mallet.

A large area in the shade next to the street was spotted, and it
was agreed upon to set up there. "The sun sucks," quipped
Peter Kreten. "Yes, it sucks hard-core," Matt Maldre accorded
with confidence.

The courtly was hastily set up with the 4:00 deadline in mind.
The unit of measurement was truly a foot. The foot of Matt Maldre,
for it was indeed 12 inches long. A regulation court without any
boudaries was in place.

Game play begun.

Erik and Matt soon found out that their mallets did not accord
them an advantage. In fact, they discovered their mallets were a
hinderance to their fine play. "My mallet sucks!" quipped Matt.
"Yeah, my mallet sucks hard-core!" Erik accorded with

Peter Kreten quickly impressed all on the court with what would
be definetely "the shot of the day". From the middle hoop (#4), he
shot his ball into the air, WAIST-HIGH and it landed and shot
through the fifth hoop. All were stunned and amazed by this act of
dexterity. "Holy crap! That @#$%ing ball was waist-high in the
air!" cried out Matt Maldre. Peter whooped, "Shot of the day, Shot
of the day!"

This incredible shot pushed Peter ahead of the crowd and into
the lead. A lead he would never relinquish.

The sewer cap just in front of the 6th hoop proved to be much a
challenge to Kelly and Erik. Peter, Matt, and Mike had a few
challenges, but nothing compares to the anguish that Erik
experienced. Over and over he attempted to utilize the angle on
this mallet to propell his ball over the sewer cap and through the
hoop. Did he not learn his lesson that this will not work? Peter
and Matt continued onto the end whilst Erik still struggled with
the sewer. "This sewer thing stinks" Erik commented. Was there
a joke intended? Perhaps? (sewer...stink) The first invocation of
"the 12 shot rule" occured for Erik to pass this treacherous hole.
One that would assuredly give him nightmares for nights to

However, the blunder of the day was about to occur on the other
end of the field. Peter had somewhat nearly wrapped up his
victory as his ball was in the jaws of the 2nd to last hoop. Matt's
ball had just left the 3rd to last hoop. For the past 4 or 5 shots,
Matt declard to Peter that he was playing for 2nd place, Peter had
1st wrapped up. This was true espicially after 3 failed attempts to
roquet Peter's ball on the second half. But then Matt striked his
ball and it miraclously hit Peter's ball! A FINE SHOT INDEED! A
roquet finally shall occur!

It was fate, Matt declared, that he shall whallop the crap out of
Peter's ball to kingdom come. After much strategy and debate on
where Peter's ball shall be deposited, it was decided that it
would be best to propel him into the street for a longer and faster
roll. However, when the shot was taken, Peter's ball hit a nearby
tree, whilst Matt's ball rolled much farther away into a neighbor's
front yard across the street! A TRUE BLUNDER OF THE DAY

Peter easily went on to finish 1st, Matt finished second, Kelly
third, Erik fourth, Mike fifth. Just in time, because the rain had
certainly started to come down in cats and dogs.

The talk of the town for the next few hours was Peter's first
Was Beverly Park to be his turf? Is Peter the master of the larger
regulation sized court? Will he become unstoppable?

Find out in the next email:
In challenge of the largest croquet court our club has faced.

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