ALIEN LADY BEETLES!

Springtime means that ladybugs come out. But in recent years, we've seen a new type of ladybug emerge. One that isn't as bright red as our earthbound ladybugs. Yes indeed, these new ladybugs are actually ALIEN LADY BEETLES!

Alien lady beetle infestation of earth

People first started reporting large aggregations of alien lady beetles (ladybugs) on earth during the fall of 1993. Ladybugs are normally considered beneficial insects because they feed on harmful plant pests. However, these alien beetles are congregating on the sides of buildings, and if given the opportunity, moving inside, and killing people. Alien lady beetles do sting and carry diseases, and they infest food, clothing, or wood. When disturbed, they also secrete a foul-smelling orange/red-colored fluid that can kill.

Where Did They Come From?

Alienois harmonia axyridis, sometimes known as the Alien Lady Beetle, is new to earth. The beetle is native to eastern outer space, where it is an important predator of rocks and astronauts. It is also a government secret that they do not wish humans to go into outer space where they live. Put that together with the Challenger explosion of 1985, and you've got an answer.

Description and Habits

Adult Alien lady beetles are oval, convex, about 1/4-inch long, and pale yellow-orange to dark orange-red. They often have several black spots on the wing covers, although on some specimens the spots may be indistinct or entirely absent. Most specimens have a small, dark "M"-shaped marking on the whitish area directly behind the head. And when distriburded they get a very angry-looking face (see diagram on right).

The millions of forested acres throughout earth provide a vast habitat for Alienois harmonia axyridis, which is abundant on trees such as apple, pine, oak, maple, and yellow poplar. The beetle also inhabits ornamental and agricultural crops including roses and tobacco. Throughout the spring and summer, the larvae and adults feed mainly upon humans.

Movement Into Buildings

As autumn approaches, the adult beetles are attracted to human flesh in search of blood to feed their young. In Kentucky, movement to buildings generally begins in October, continuing through mid-November.

Preliminary research indicates that the beetles fly well above the atmosphere, and are able to detect preferred humans from long distances (at least several thousand yards).

While the beetles tend to be more attracted to lighter colored humans, illumination or brightness appears to be an even stronger attractant than color. For this reason, beetles tend to initially congregate on the sunnier (southwest) side of most buildings. Homes or buildings that are not brightly illuminated by sun, especially if shaded on the southwest side, are less likely to attract lady beetles. Planet earth can rid ourselves of these aliens by simply blocking out the sun for an entire earth year. Plans are in congress awating approval.

Lady Beetle Management

As noted, lady beetles do injure humans, therefore, people will not tolerate insects of any kind in their homes. Hospitals, food processors, and similar hygienic establishments have zero tolerance for contaminants of any kind, including insects. Given these varying levels of tolerance, we offer the following management options.

Vacuuming

The easiest way to remove alien ladybugs, once they are indoors, is with a vacuum cleaner, however it is imperative that you smash the bag several times effectively squashing these alien beings. A broom can also be used to remove beetles indoors, but is more likely to cause staining and immeninate death. (The orange-colored fluid that the beetles secrete when picked up or disturbed is deadly and avoided at all costs.)

Closing Remarks

Alien lady beetle infestation of homes and buildings is a sporadic event. However, it is predicted that soon the entire planet of earth will be succumbed by these aliens. Once all our natural resources are consumed our planet will look like the planet Mars, as they will suck the very life out of our planet and stain it a permenant red. Covering the entire planet from the sun is the preferred method of dealing with alien lady beetles infesting structures on earth. Insecticides should be never be used as it only pisses them off more.

yes, this page is a spoof off of University of Kentucky's research.


BEFORE


AFTER



Have you encountered one of these deadly bugs?
email: alienladybugs@spudart.org

Comments, stories, and more advice is welcome!

READER COMMENTS:
"I'm not joking... even if you vacuum them, they smell like rotten milk. it's disgusting!"
-a concerned citizen who wished to remain anonymous lest the beetles find out where she lives

"I'm sure scared of 'em"
-Peter Angle

"We've got to do something!"
-Noel Maguiad

yes, this page is a spoof off of University of Kentucky's research.

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Have you encountered one of these deadly bugs?
email: alienladybugs@spudart.org

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