Triple Chocolate Chaos energy bars are dying in Chicago

triple-chocolate-chaos-death-2 triple-chocolate-chaos-death-1

The following is a letter I sent to the Balance Bar Company:

Greetings dear people of Balance,

I am a fine consumer of your delightful Balance bar products. I enjoy having one before or after a workout. From time to time, I’ll have one in the morning at work. They bring great nutrition and sustenance that my body needs. I open the wrapper to each bar with great anticipation of the balance bar tastiness inside.

Imagine opening up a Triple Chocolate Chaos bar and having the hopes and dreams of TRIPLE! CHOCOLATE! CHOAS! The name brings shivers down my spine in thinking of the chocolate being tripled. Of the chocolate being crazy. Of the chocolate being incredible. The anticipation. The wonder. The hopes. The dreams. Of Triple… Chocolate… Chaos.

Now imagine when you open the bar and you see a bar that looks like it has the life squeezed out of it. Literally. All the chocolateness is oozed out of the bar. It’s like the bar was a balloon and someone popped it. The entire contents of the bar has decayed its chocolateness outside of its body. It’s like someone murdered the happiness of the chocolate bar. It’s a murder scene inside my Triple Chocolate Chaos wrapper. There’s chocolate guts everywhere. The horror! It truly brings new meaning to the “chaos” in Triple Chocolate Chaos.

The sad thing is that this happens to about 50% of the Triple Chocolate Chaos bars I purchase. As I mentioned before, I am a fine consumer of your energy bars, therefore, I have had many a triple chocolate chaos bar. This is not a one time occurance. There is a product flaw with the Triple Chocolate Chaos bars. Half of them ooze their life out inside the wrapper before they are even opened to the world. Do these bars have a fear of the world? Are they so afraid to be eaten, that they crap their pants all over the inside the wrapper before they are eaten?

I mean seriously. There’s something wrong with the Triple Chocolate Chaos bars. To prove my point I took a photo of my Triple Chocolate Chaos bar from this morning. It’s posted on my blog at:

The ID for this particular bar is:

* UPC code: 5004998883

* Inket number: 13UUL2010XBP34

* Time of birth: 12:40 (seriously! You put date of birth on your energy bars)

I beg you to please take a look at the photo. It’s like the photo of crime scene. Will you please be like Angela Lansbury and solve the mystery behind why these Triple Chocolate Chaos bars are oozing and dying? Something must be done.


Matt Maldre

Enjoyed this blog post?

Join the creatives who receive thoughtful Spudart blog posts via the email newsletter


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

newest most voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
13 years ago

Murder She Wrote indeed.

Would love your thoughts, please comment.x